I am not knocking every parent, or claiming I’m a perfect parent.. But,…

[Fred A. Baughman Jr., MD:
Dear Melissa, I cannot thank you enough for writing. I intend to remove
all identifiers and post your e-mail, just as is, with all of it's
commonsense and and wisdom, for all who will open their eyes and see.
In a few short paragraphs you have made clear the origins of all ADHD
behaviors--origins parents are never anxious to acknowledge. Further,
psychiatry knows this; they know such parents will leap at the "disease"
concept in a second, and know, that to further "validate" the notion of
a disease, they have but to prescribe a "medical treatment"--the more
potent and dangerous, the better. Melissa, you have said it all and you
have shown a wisdom far beyond that of Ann of the advice columns, or
any others I have read. Most of them, the Ann I mentioned, included,
have bought into the fraud of psychiatric "diseases" that today results
in our drugging-with-no-disease-in-sight, 6 million US children. Taking
into account all the other illusory "diseases" of psychiatry and all of
their other drugs, this abuse, that our government beds down with,
totals in the range of 10 million children, 20% or so of US
school-children. Thank you again. Your child is lucky indeed who has a
mother who loves so naturally and well. Have other children in your
home, they will want to be there and will, however brief their visit,
benefit from having been in your presence. Share your wisdom on the
fraud of ADHD and on the subject of what children really need from the
adults in their lives with your Congresspersons and Senators, they have
been blinded by drug money. All the best to you, your son and family.
Don't let psychiatry or anyone wielding mental health anywhere near your
son or family. Fred A. Baughman Jr., MD]

   I am not knocking every parent, or claiming I'm a perfect parent.. But,
I find it amazing that 3 kids on my block supposedly all have this ADHD.  But,
then I look and see that all 3 have terrible diets (sugar wreaks havoc, I
have heard, and believe on concentration, etc)... then, beyond that.. the
children are not paid attention to.. thay are seldom engaged in
conversation...opinions rarely matter.  And yet, THEN, if the parent makes a
rule, and the kid says, "Can't it be this way(whine, whine)".. the parent,
says, well, "Ok".

   All of these parents are young... (20's) and I am one of the younger
ones.  I admit I lack in house cleaning skills, and a 100% calm nature.  We
don't have structure (meal times and bed times).  Yet, when my child talks
to me, I listen (most of the time.. we all need a break).. I ask him
questions about his day, and feelings.  I impose rules.... and don't feel
bad when I stand behind them..even if it becomes an issue of, "because I
said so"  although... he rarely asks me.. and I do offer to tell him on my
own.  We comminucate.  I take his feelings, and age into account.  I treat
him like a person.  I'm not perfect.. I don't always do art with him, or sit
in on every show (or even limit TV to "only" an hour a day.).  But, I
constantly talk to my son.... and spend time with him.

   The other parents whine at their kids, let them run all over the block
without knowing where they are... let them eat candy all day (and forgo
their meals, because they have small appetites)...

   This might not be so with all ADHD diagnosed kids.. but, the kids are
relatively good kids, but  they steal (accidentally take?) other kids toys,
run off without asking if they can... and do much of what they want.

   I tell my child YES as much as possible, but I make him ask for
practically everything.  And, one thing I see him do that I haven't seen the
other kids do.. is, if he does do something bad.. and I'm not even there to
see it.. he comes to me.  I haven't trained him to lie, as these other
parents do.. they ask their kid if they broke so and so, or whatever.. the
kid sayse yes.. and the parent spanks, yells, whatever.. they scare the kid,
and end up training the kid to lie.  I'm not saying I haven't spanked my
son.  But, I, only every few months "get him back in line" by being harsh..
or whatever.. the rest of the time.. I can talk to him.... and he is very
polite, obedient... and caring....

   The other kids, you ask them to say please.. and they look at you like
you're crazy...  you take them on a hike, and the roudiest kids you've ever
seen suddenly balk, and cry and are too tired to go anywhere.... yet, an
hour earlier, they ran all over your living room, screaming and allowed to
run wild.

   My son is 5, and has better manners and behavior then the 6,7,8 year
olds that are here and diagnosed with ADHD.

   The oldest, 8, is terrible in behavior.  He is very pushy. Yet, in seeing
him speak to his mom, I can see why.   She always gives in.. and all he does
is push.. yet she sighs and sayse how hard he is to control.. maybe one day
he was.. but, she allows it..  But,  I have yet to see any parents take
credit for their kids poor behavior.

   They are clueless that they don't pay attention.. true attention to their
kids all day...they tell them to go play.. stick candy in their hands to
quiet them.. then wonder why their kids have no interest when they are
expected to.

   My neighbor.. the 7 year old child,  can be polite.. and is well
behaved.. and NORMAL.. I would never say he has ADHD.  (I'm not his teacher
or doctor either, to be fair..).. but, he simply wants attention... his mom
wonders why he whines, and yet she falls prey, and gives him what he
wants... after arguing with him.. (and giving him attention that way) but
has no clue thats why he whines.. or that she whines back to him in
response.. and thats how he learned to whine in the first place.

   She lets her 2 year old get on the counter, and crawl all over, yet gets
mad when she gets into something.  She has been at my house for an HOUR!
Leaving her 2 year old un supervised.. for an hour.. and then comes home to
a cake destroyed... and yells at her daughter for "knowing better"... yet,
always lets her still on the counter... tells her one thing. and does
another..

   Like this... the 7 year old was at my house.. and was cutting play-doh
onto the floor.  After the 2nd time, I asked him, if he must cut play-doh,
to please do it on the table.. he sayse Ok, and goes to the window sill, to
continue cutting.

   It seems so minute.. but, if it were my son.. I'd've said, I asked you
to go to the table please.. (while he would've listened up front, had he
not, this would've been enough).... the thing is, this wasn't my kid. and I
dropped it.. but, I know his parents do too.

   It seems so minor, why make a big deal about that.. at least he went to
something to catch the doh, right?  But to me, I'm thinking, I said table,
use the table.. but, the thing is, while the parent thinks its no big deal..
and doesn't pursue it (or probably doesn't even notice their kids just
disobeyed them.. thats a big one.. to follow up on their own rules.. they
get too tired, and lazy)... while its "no big deal"... the kid gets his
way.. even in a small way like this.. imagine this 5-15 times a day.. and
once or twice on actual bigger things...

   Like that 8 year old, pushy, mannerless guy... his mom said, "Come home
in 10 mins".  He said, bossy like, "15!".. the mom hesitated, and then said,
"Ok".

   Now, 5 mins difference.  Does the kid really care?   All he knows is he
is getting his way.. and as "small" as that is.. he got it.. mom let him..
and does it all the time!... He didn't even ask nicely.. "Mom, may I stay a
little longer" and then she say yes..to which I could understand.. but, she
said one thing.. and he said another... and she said Ok.. no qualms about
it.

   And these parents wonder why their kids have problems... lack of
attention.. lack of direction... lack of care... and love....

   I mean.. they are "good parents" if you were asked... (the 3rd child I
mentioned.. who is 6,.. he is neglected.. and does not have good
parents..)... but, these two other boys are simply not being parented
corrrectly.

   That's just on my block!... not saying that is the source of all ADHD.. or
always.. but, these are "GOOD" parents.... imagine how mny of these there
are.. and then add in how many not so great parents there are.. and you can
see why there is a problem.

   I'm not saying I'm perfect.  But, I can see a fault in my son and
immediately (usually) see my mistake.... and not saying he won't get worse.
.. he is my first.. and I don't know how teens are.. but, what percentage of
kids do you know who admit a fault when you never even noticed.. who was
left to play upstairs with his friends... and comes down much later, to
throw his gum away... and you ask why.. and he sayse because the rule, if he
takes his gum out of his mouth, it goes in the garbage... he self-diciplines
himself!  And, I didn't even see him... Half the time I'm lucky, because I
forget a rule I made months ago.... (and sometimes he does too. and I let it
slide a time or two.. we all make mistakes.. but, then when I realize its a
habit.. I bring us back on track.... and thats all it takes... yet the other
parents are like, oh, no, theres not a problem... They are so clueless).

   My sister-in-law is the best example.. I'd say she would be called a
"good parent" and is middle class.. or even higher middle class... and,
yet... every chance she gets, she has her mom or mother in law babysit her
kids... she watches him do things.. she tells him to pick things up.. he
sayse NO and runs off.and she doesn't even call him back.. anyway.. they say
he is so strongwilled.. yet, I watch her mom (the kids g-mom. my
mother-in-law) make empty threats, like, "don't throw your cup at me again,
or you get nothing to drink" .. he waits a second, throws it anyway... and,
after an angry pause, gets his drink.. in a matter of minutes.  And they
wonder why the kid is wild?.....They should've followed up on the "threat"
of no drink.  And being 4 yars old, he is old enough to know better than to
throw... yet, he is whined at, and the problem is dropped, or ignored ...
yet, they say he is strong willed?.

   Sounds to me like a dicipline problem... but, oh.. she is pregnant with
her 3rd child... and if its not a girl.. she will want another... and she
isn't even loving to her first!

   Yet, for all outsiders looking in.. he is just wild.. she is a good
parent.. they are a clean-cut, normal family.

   How many of them do we see.. I'd imagine most families are just like
hers.. and people wonder why the kids have problems.

   I think the parents would do well to have one of those family
counselors (like Sesame Street magazine sends out) make some changes, and
then see if their kids are ADHD.

   Sorry, a little wordier than you would've liked...but, I am amazed at the
parents thinking the kids have a disease... or the kids are all bad, and
never thinking of the causes... and then seeing whats really real, or not.